College

As a second-quarter junior (similar to being a second semester senior for most people), I have begun the process of not giving an F about high school, and looking forward into the future, a very bright future indeed. To clear up any confusion, that future does not entail taking my game straight to the NBA out of high school, nor does it include dropping out of school to focus on my double-threat rapper/blogger career. I understand the overwhelming disappointment most of you are feeling right now, but I do have two good reasons:
1. Players of my caliber can no longer jump straight to the pros, and must spend a year in college. Thanks a lot to the bastards a the National Basketball Association.
2. If I were to drop out of high school, I do not believe I have the self control to stop my self from going on sizzurp-fueled binges with my boy "Drizzy" Drake, or the control to stop from making copious amounts of love to bootylicious groupies, that probably are infested with STDs. I know this sounds like the ideal lifestyle to most people, but you have to remember, I'm just a kid, stuck in a man's body.

Let me make this very clear, those are the ONLY reasons I am not currently pursuing my dreams as we speak. With those two things out of the picture (for now), I turn my goals to pretty much the only option for white kids in suburbia: college. The question most of you are asking right now is probably "why don't you just play college ball, Raúl"? The answer is I refuse to take part in Division I athletics, not because my jumper isn't salty enough (it is), but because I despise the NCAA and everything it stands for. But that's a story for another time, kiddos.

My whole life I have been looking forward to college, or as the Brits call it "university". I was never one of those douchebag kids who was like, "why would anyone want to go to school for four more years," the idea of college always appealed to me. I would be making copious amounts of love to slightly less bootylicious, (hopefully) STD-free, drunk college chicks. And there's nothing better than that. I have also always dreamed of being a fraternity. Frat life seems like it is absolutely the most awesome thing in the world. Being in a frat entitles you to a free pass to act like a douche for four years, get drunk whenever you want, hit on hot sorority chicks, and make brothers for the rest of your life. I'll just leave out the date rape. Most importantly being in a frat allows you to use the excuse "don't worry I'm in a frat" whenever, and however you want. Example: Professor: "How dare you show up to my 9 am class drunk!" Me: "Don't worry, I'm in a frat".

Finally, I have begun to actually look at potential future schools. I want to go to either coast, not for any other reason than I like the coasts. I hate those assholes who say they "hate Ohio" and they want to "get out". Screw those people. I love Upper Arlington, I love Ohio, and I love my parents. Simple as that. However, I also love the coasts. My dream school has always been UCLA but there are other east coast schools that are up there. Virginia, UNC, and Duke are all pretty sick. When thinking about college most people look at the important statistics like Chick-Dude ratio. While I get that College of Charleston has the best ratio (an astounding 4.23:1), people overlook the underrated statistics, aka, Babe-Dude ratio. While UCLA may not have as many chicks to dudes, it definitely has more babes. Thus, inducing what I like to call the "Trickle-Down Effect."

The "Trickle Down Effect" means that there are a lot more babes around, so the hottest will obviously go with the best dudes. These are the type of chicks you don't even find in Ohio, exclusively Cali. I'm a medium type of dude, meaning that I would usually get medium types of girls. In UCLA however, the babes get taken first, leaving all the regular hot chicks to "trickle down" to the medium dudes. These chicks would be hot here in Ohio, but in Cali, they are simply outclassed. It provides the perfect opportunity for me to scrounge in there and capitalize. The medium chicks (decently hot in Ohio) are then forced to trickle down to the lower dudes (unless they put out a lot, meaning they can probably get a medium-upper dude) and everyone's happy. This is the basis for how I'm deciding on colleges, but keep in mind it is a unrefined process. Getting in to these type of schools also means my life is a constant struggle between putting as little effort as possible into school, while getting the best grades possible. Yes, I got a 4.406 GPA this quarter, and yes that makes me better than you, but that doesn't ensure anything. I still need to other stupid stuff like community service. Hopefully I can translate my minority status into something good (thank you slavery). Overall, it is a challenge, but more research must be done on determining ratios. It is groundbreaking work, maybe changing the landscape of college admissions. No worries, I'll keep you posted.

I would also like to take this time to welcome my boy Tommy as a full time writer on the blog. He brings a lot to the table and I'm certainly glad to have him, despite accusations of homosexual tendencies. You will have no trouble distinguishing between our posts because mine are better. He doesn't even have a sign-off. As for accusations that Tommy "goes harder on the weekends" I can confidently say that they are absolutely false. He is just saying that to impress you.

Take it sleazy,
Raúl